Speed2: Cruise Control
Reviewed by Dan Lybarger
June 11, 1997
To: Jan De Bont, director of Speed2: Cruise Control
From: Owen P. Shyster, Attorney at Law
I have been retained by Pitch Weekly in Kansas City, and I regret to inform you that the new sequel you directed to your wonderful action thriller Speed traumatized our movie critic so much that he has become incapacitated and is suing you for the loss of two hours of his life.
My client’s injuries are extensive. For one thing, his sanity appears to have suffered. He claims that a good actor like Willem Dafoe would play a character who hijacks an ocean liner merely because his company doesn’t offer adequate health insurance. He also raves on that Mr. Dafoe’s character, even though he’s dying of copper poisoning, can still fight like Evander Holyfield. Our client once thought you and Mr. Dafoe were too intelligent to do such a thing, but his psychiatrist has convinced him he’s delusional.
His eyes are also wounded. Apparently the sight of spectacular but hilariously implausible nautical wrecks (and of Dafoe making faces like the raptors in Jurassic Park) rendered him unable to watch another seafaring adventure. Your needlessly exaggerated conclusion involving a ship ramming its way through a port community nearly blinded him with its stupidity.
The worst injuries, however, have been to his heart. The way you degraded Sandra Bullock in Speed2: Cruise Control broke it. Ms. Bullock won the love of the critic and movie audiences everywhere because of the pluck and resourcefulness her character had in the first movie. This time around you made her into a klutzy airhead, and gave most of the focus to the cop who was earnestly played by a miscast Jason Patric (Sleepers). My client’s coronary injures were aggravated by a silly subplot involving the unresponsive Patric and a lovelorn deaf teenager.
On a positive note, my client has no intention of suing you for the damage the bombastic sound effects and the inappropriate music did to his hearing. In fact, he states that he is grateful that they shielded his ears from the inane dialogue.
My client’s demands are reasonable. He only wants half of the reported $100 million budget and for you to sign an affidavit swearing that you will never direct another movie without first reading the script. I would advise you to respond quickly before others file similar requests (PG-13). Rating: 1.
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This page was last updated on 10/28/97.