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BREAKING: Archaeologists Unearth "Cone of Guidance" — Experts Say Ceremonial Headgear Once Worn by High Priests of Direction

May 27, 3125 — Neo-Bavaria Research Cooperative, Sector 7

In a stunning discovery that is sure to reshape our understanding of early third-millennium civilization, archaeologists have unearthed a remarkably well-preserved artifact believed to be an important ceremonial headdress. The object, a vibrant orange conical structure made of a mysterious flexible compound known only as “ploy-eth-lene,” was found standing upright near a long-abandoned strip of asphalt.

Dr. Clarity Vonn-Taggen, lead field researcher of the expedition, explained the artifact’s significance: “We believe this ‘Cone of Guidance’ was worn by spiritual figures who presided over rituals of redirection. The bright hue, combined with reflective hieroglyphic bands, suggests it was used during sacred ceremonies to commune with vehicular spirits and ensure safe passage through transitional zones.”

Initial carbon dating placed the object’s origins in the late Anthropocene, approximately 1000 years ago, an era historians have dubbed “The Great Obstruction.” Scholars believe this period was marked by complex rites of delay and diversion, often performed in the presence of worshippers encased in wheeled shrines.

A preliminary translation of associated signage fragments discovered nearby includes cryptic commands such as “MERGE,” “YIELD,” and the revered incantation “SLOW — MEN WORKING,” thought to invoke protective labor deities.

Dr. Vonn-Taggen added, “The conical design mirrors astronomical symbols from the period. When inverted, the object precisely aligns with Sirius and several fast-food emblems, suggesting a cosmological significance we’re only beginning to grasp.”

Reconstruction artists have produced a rendering of what a high priest might have looked like during ceremonies — wearing the Cone atop the head, surrounded by a procession of others bearing illuminated rods (possibly modern torches or energy wands), all chanting the phrase "Detour Ahead."

Plans are underway to display the artifact at the Global Museum of Misinterpreted Humanity, next to other ritual items such as the Sacred Folded Chair (believed to be an ancestor seat of judgment) and the Great Flamingos of Suburbia.

When asked whether the object might simply be a utilitarian tool, used to mark hazards or guide traffic, Dr. Vonn-Taggen scoffed: “Please. That’s just pseudoscience.”

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